nonce (noun, slang) a person who commits a crime involving sex, especially sex with a child.
Nestled between the purple haze-infused sexual revolution of the late 1960s and early 1970s, and the anarchic chaos of punk rock, something strange happened in the world of rock music. Glam Rock fused high camp theatricals with driven anthems and fist-pumping tunes. Appealing to the young and impressionable, the movement even dragged in many of contemporary music’s more relevant names.
However, the sins of the period are also well documented, with Gary Glitter and DJ Jimmy Saville being publicly exposed some years later. One name which doesn’t get mentioned as often is Danny Dazzler.
Dazzler’s flame of fame arguably burned brightest in his own mind, but after a short-lived moment in the spotlight, his fall from grace was so odious the music industry and mass media conspired to starve him of the thing he craved most: publicity.
Now, for the first time ever, and more than forty years after he first crawled into the public’s psyche, his story will be told.
Nonce! is a no-holds-barred exposé of Glam Rock’s nastiest specimen.
Six tales inspired by Grindhouse B-Movies of the 1960s and 1970s.
Nympho Nurses’ Ton-up Terror
When the nurses from St Hilda’s Hospital set off on their annual motorcycle run, the last thing they expect is to be caught up in the fallout of a chemical weapon debacle, but that’s exactly what happens. Join Fanny Batter, Ginger Bush and Dawn Double-Dee as they battle against the sex plague and a horde of twisted deformos, while also enjoying some high-octane thrills and spills.
Zombie Cheerleaders on LSD
When the archaeological society of Beavertown High School go on a dig, they discover their campsite is next to the Gallstonebury Festival at Turdy Farm. After Glenda Gash is bitten by a rat at the dig site and falls ill, some dropouts from the festival plan to feed the girls LSD with the intention of sexually abusing them, but when Glenda reappears, their world is torn apart.
Star Whores: Return of the Dildo
When the Holy Order of Star Whores are arrested in Galaxy NGC-1300, the authorities confiscate all their assets as they’ve been earned via immoral earnings. Included amongst the seized items is an entity, a God, the Lord Dildo. In order to rescue the deity, the Star Whores turn to space pirate Buzz Lovebeads who, along with his sidekicks Hands Solo and Easy Leia, goes in search of the entity … despite being chased by the evil lawman Garth Gayder who is intent on capturing the pirates.
Girl Gang Clusterfuck in Cell Block B
When prison warder Molly McGinty checks in for her night shift on Friday the 13th, little does she know the horrors which lie ahead. While the numerous girl gangs tool up for an all-out war over drugs, tobacco and toilet wine, Molly wants nothing more than a quiet shift. She has a lot to think about, not least her love for Prisoner 117213, also known as Big Bertha. When the carnage erupts, she faces a choice: does she follow duty or love? Which of her emotions will be stronger: her fanatical devotion to the law, or the throbbing feeling in her vagina? It’s all kicking off in Cell Block B, where the violence is hard and the women are moist
Cannibal She-Devils of the Umpopo Delta
Travelling along the Umpopo river, the missionaries of Saint Xavier’s are eager to spread the word of the Lord to the local savage tribes. However, their fate takes a turn for the worse when they meet Queen Bazoomas and her warrior women. Captured, abused, tortured, and pegged with hand-carved tribal dildos, they soon realise the Umpopo Delta is no place for God-fearing men. As the cannibal she-devils exhibit their taste for man-meat, the missionaries realise their only chance of survival is to become the sexual playthings of the wild warrior women.
Wino Women’s Car Park Catfight
When the wino women start a turf war in the local multi-storey car park, things quickly turn violent as the boozy hags battle the pissed-up slags. Despite attempts by Walter, the Car Park Warden, to restore law and order, the situation turns into a right royal shit-show when a car owned by sleaze baron Charlie Lovespuds is broken into. Finding what they believe to be imported booze, the women go on an epic binge, unaware they’re downing bottle after bottle of an illicit aphrodisiac love drug. Charlie wants payment or his drugs back, Walter wants his car-park free of winos, and the women want a good seeing to.
“The book which made the Pope’s sphincter tighten and his testes retract into his body.”
The story of Easter is well known, but the church is more tight-lipped about the second son of God, one who was created as a back-up plan to the more notorious Jesus Christ. While the birth of the Plan B messiah should have been terminated once the first-choice conception went ahead, an administrative cock-up in heaven resulted in the boy being born in Bethlehem, close to a somewhat more infamous stable.
The two sons of God lived separate lives. Despite this, in a cruel irony, the second son of God was also crucified on Good Friday, much like his more famous sibling, but in vastly different circumstances.
Peter Caffrey and Lindsay Crook, who happen to be theological historians as well as writers of filthy tales, join forces to reveal the harrowing story of the man referred to by the Vatican, in its most secret records, as Bastard Jesus.
After accidentally reviving a dormant demon, Diego is offered the deal of a lifetime. He can have his way with any woman he wishes, fulfilling his carnal desires. All he has to do in return is provide a regular supply of sperm. Like most schoolboys, he’s in the habit of regularly wanking, so he figures he has nothing to lose by agreeing to the pact.
Once the demon takes control, he manipulates the situation, leaving Diego trapped in a waking (or even wanking) nightmare. The daily duty becomes a millstone, dragging him down into an abyss of masturbatory misery.
Why does the demon want his semen, and has it anything to do with the numerous elderly women who are falling pregnant and giving birth to devil babies with unfeasibly large cocks? With the clergy and their militia hunting down the source of the impregnations, Diego finds himself a victim of the chaos.
As his world crumbles around him, his only hope is to free himself from the pact.
‘Diego’s sinful habit sends him on a bizzaro adventure involving well endowed demonic babies, pregnant pensioners, even more wanking and a corn effigy that can’t get enough jizz. If Caffrey doesn’t ascend to bizzaro/horror cult status I’m giving up wanking for good.’ Simon McHardy – author of Mother Maggot
‘An excellently-paced, splatteriffic encounter with an trickster god, full of sodomy, corncob cocks, and evil bastards. My favorite Godless.com title to date.’ Regina Watts – author of Bloom & Dark
Cock-A-Voodoo-Doo and Other Twisted Love Stories is a collection of three novelettes: Cock-A-Voodoo-Doo, Dolls’ House Diabolic, and The Perils of Dating Celine.
Cock-A-Voodoo-Doo
Based on a true story which took place during 1970, in an Irish Catholic household in North London. Never discussed after the sorry shambles unfolded, and only referred to by the family involved as ‘the Christmas incident’, the events of that time had a profound impact on a young and innocent boy whose interests were previously limited to football, fishing and building box carts out of spare planks and pram wheels!
Now, Peter Caffrey lifts the lid on his own personal Pandora’s box and tells the full story of Marlene, Pastor Reginald, and the ungodly incidents which warped his young and innocent mind.
No names have been changed, because there are no innocent parties.
The story includes an in-depth Author’s Note to help set the scene for the children of the modern age, who believe the world has always been filled with shoe shops, on-demand streaming content, and gluten-free muffins.
Dolls’ House Diabolic
Dave loved Susan. He really loved Susan. Nothing made him happier than when she agreed to marry him. As he set off to Bangkok on his stag party, he promised her one thing: he’d avoid the go-go bars. However, when the other stags insisted on visiting a pussy show, Dave ended up being dragged to the Dolls’ House.
Dolls’ House Diabolic is the story of one man’s battle with the biggest demons: his own guilt and shame. Will Dave and Susan live happily ever after, or will one random act of fate forever condemn their future?
The Perils of Dating Celine
After watching a TV Chef’s hour-long special on all things pasta, the urge to purchase a pasta machine becomes all encompassing for Terry. After tracking down a second-hand one on-line, he makes the purchase, and when the machine arrives it includes a note from the mysterious Celine.
There’s something about her note which he finds intriguing, and after fantasising about contacting her, he bites the bullet and makes the call. When they finally meet, all he knows about Celine is that she loves pasta, and she has a mysterious disfigurement.
The Perils of Dating Celine is a modern-day love story; a glimpse into what could happen if people put aside concerns about random interactions with strangers, and simply followed their hearts.
When Victor Holycross commits an act of heinous sacrilege at the Festival of the Blessed Virgin, he unwittingly instigates a curse which transforms his wife and daughter into the Devil’s hairballs. To seek absolution for his sin and to lift the hairy plague from his family, a penance is given: the recovery of stolen religious relics. Under pressure from a less-than-Godly Cardinal and his malicious henchman, Victor has little choice but to accept his fate.
With a time frame of 40 days and 40 nights and a decrepit bicycle as his sole form of transport, he finds himself helped (and more often than not hindered) by a one-legged whore, a talking dog with strange sexual proclivities and an attack-nun.
As Victor is thrust into a maelstrom of demonic confrontations, unholy alliances and duplicitous relationships, he soon discovers that the world is a far darker place than he ever anticipated.
“If Dante’s Inferno, The Wizard of Oz, and Monty Python’s Life of Brian had a sacrilegious threesome it may look quite a bit like The Devil’s Hairball. It’s wonderfully absurd, a bit whimsical, and completely bizarre.” Biblioculus.com
“One of the most bizarre story ideas I have come across in recent years.” Jim Mcleod – Gingernuts of Horror
“Improper. That’s how to sum up Peter Caffrey’s raucous horror/comedy The Devil’s Hairball … dirty humour drips from every page.” Kendall Reviews
When the introduction of brothels manned by AI-powered sex robots threaten the profitability of the world’s oldest profession, the street girls decide it’s time to fight for their future and bring the punters back where they belong: between their legs.
Hatching a drastic plan to ensure the Johns turn against erotic automatons, the whores take on the brave new world and inadvertently unleash a battle for survival as technology’s finest refuse to take the challenge lying down.
Whores versus Sex Robots is a seedy, science fiction, splatterpunk, tongue-in-cheek novella. The book also includes a selection of other stories addressing the rise of the sex robots.
WARNING: Despite the title, this book is NOT erotica, and is totally unsuitable for masturbatory purposes – unless, of course, you like to knock yourself out while reading about the violence and pain of modern society, the frailty of the human condition, the abandonment of hope, the depths of selfishness to which mankind can (and often will) sink, and some other shit which is a bit funny (if you have a twisted mind). If that’s the case, then buy this book and wank yourself silly. Otherwise, please do not interfere with your sexual apparatus while reading these stories.
